Timeout for Leadership-your one-minute leadership idea

The Principal Coaching Clinic #29

Have you ever been embarrassed by your boss?

Answer:  Of course, you have!

If this has never happened to you, you are the lucky one.  It has happened to me and sadly, as a young leader, I must confess that at times I may have behaved this way.  Fortunately for me, and for those that I worked with, I was a quick learner and curbed my destructive behavior.

No one likes to be embarrassed.  But what do you do when your boss publicly embarrasses you?

There is a consensus of opinion that you do not confront this person publicly.  Do not get into this public argument.  I have made this mistake and can ensure you that when this happens, everyone loses.  So, when you experience this public onslaught, my recommendation to you is to just sit back and take it.  Do your best not to show how upset you are.  Try to keep your body language neutral, practice some active listening skills, try not to cry and try your hardest to stay on task.  I consider myself a fairly strong and “macho” type of individual and I must share that I have been almost brought to tears in my career by that bully.  Believe me, wanting to cry is a gender-neutral response.

Always try to remember that the bully is the one that does not know how to deal with their perceived power.  He or she is the one that lacks respect.  He or she is the one that is insecure and is the one trying to prove something.  Remember that power does corrupt and some folks just cannot deal with any perceived power that he or she possesses.

After the embarrassing event, let everyone cool down, but do not wait too long.  This bully needs to be confronted.  Respectfully ask this person for a private meeting.  Of course, it takes courage and of course it can make matters worse and ultimately, it could cost you your job. But ask yourself this question, do I want to exist this way? 

So how can you prevent future negative experiences?  Both of you need to answer that question.  Make it clear to that individual that you welcome his or her criticism and feedback because you know that it will make you better.  However, this feedback and criticism can’t be delivered publicly.

Come up with a plan to circumvent this behavior.  If this bullying occurs at a public meeting, maybe the two of you need a private pre-public meeting so you can both understand each other’s point of view before the public meeting.  Perhaps you can get on the same page.

Perhaps you need to provide this bully information prior to any meeting. Perhaps you need more frequent check-ins. This allows this bully to perhaps get a better understanding of the situation.  Of course, you must hope that the person takes the time to read any material. Attempt to make this person understand your point of view.  Explain your rationale relative to your recommendations or decisions.

At the end of the day, this is all about respect.  This must be a mutual respect that both of you cultivate.  As the one being bullied, try to understand why this person behaves the way he or she behaves.  This doesn’t make it right, but at least you will understand why this person enjoys making you feel insignificant. 

Although you may want to compartmentalize this person in your brain and ignore them, I can assure you that this is hard and probably will never alleviate the stress that this person may cause.  Yet I understand that you may feel trapped and you need to survive.  I get it.  I am empathic to your situation and I know it is easy for me to sit back and give all of this advice.  However, I have lived through your situation.

This bully might be nothing more than a petulant child who has always gotten his or her way by behaving in this manner. He or she has gone uncorrected for many years. He or she is getting some internal gratification from their own behavior.  If this is the case, you have several choices to think about.  Can you work to change this person?  Can you continue to be the recipient of his or her wrath? Can you wait this person out?  Can you survive this status quo? And finally, the most important question for your career and your own health, is this place for you?